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[quirky music plays]

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Kelsey Cook.

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[audience cheers]

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[inaudible]

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You guys! Okay.

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It's too much.

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Oh God.

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That was so nice. Oh!
What's up, Twin Cities?

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-[audience cheers]
-[chuckles] Hi.

10
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Oh my God. Thank you guys so much
for coming out tonight.

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Uh, this is the first time I've ever shot
a special in the place I live.

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-[audience cheers]
-So this is… This is amazing.

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Thank you guys so much for being here.

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Uh, I decided to do a big thing.

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I chopped 13 inches of my hair off.

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-And, um, I've… Thank you.
-[audience cheers]

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I have learned
that when you have short hair,

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you have to wear a full face of makeup.

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[audience laughs]

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Or else you look like a small French boy.

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[audience laughs]

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Every morning now when I wake up
and look in the mirror,

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I'm like, "Oh, hello, Pierre."

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[audience laughs]

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-Bonjour.
-[audience laughs]

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I was so delusional.

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I saw a picture of Rihanna
with short hair.

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I showed my hairdresser, and I was like,
"I want to look like Rihanna."

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-I wish she would have just said, "Hey."
-[audience chuckles]

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-"You won't."
-[audience laughs]

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"You're not a haircut away…

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[audience laughs]

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…from looking like
a pop star from Barbados."

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"You're from Spokane."

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"You're gonna look like
the Quaker Oats guy."

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[audience laughs]

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He's like, "Rihanna has neck tattoos."

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-"You wear a night guard."
-[audience laughs]

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"You're worlds apart."

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Some people don't like my short hair,

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and all of them are old men on Facebook.

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[audience laughs and cheers]

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Yeah. Love to let me know

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that I've really bummed out
some dusty boners.

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[audience laughs]

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You're not thrilled with me.

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I had a guy tell me to my face
he didn't like it.

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He came up after a show and goes,

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"Ah, shouldn't have cut your hair."

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-And he was bald!
-[audience laughs]

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I was so confused.

52
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I was like, "Are you mad
because I got to fire my hair

53
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and yours just quit?"

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[audience laughs]

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Come at me, Dale.

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No.

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I know Rihanna's an impossible goal
to reach in every way.

58
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She's also a fashion icon.

59
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I feel like my style
has only gotten worse with age.

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I just turned 36.
May as well have turned 72.

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Most of the clothes I wear

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make me look like
I have birdseed in my pockets.

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[audience laughs]

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It's a lot of long shawls.

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Because clothing stores aren't
for women in their thirties.

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The stores now are either for Gen Z,

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where you walk in
and they're selling micro skirts.

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That's literally what they're called.
They're four inches long.

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They cover nary an anus.

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[audience laughs]

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I can't buy clothes
that require a full Brazilian wax.

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I'm trying to run to Home Depot
without my taint catching a breeze.

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-It's like…
-[audience laugh]

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It's crazy.

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So it's either that
or it's just stores for Diane Keaton.

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[audience laughs]

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There's nothing in between.

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And look, do I want to dress
like Diane Keaton in 30 years?

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Hell, yeah.

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But right now, I'm not ready to go
to brunch in a magician's cape.

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[audience laughs]

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It's… It's too soon.

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You know where I have to buy
most of my clothes now? Amazon.

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-You guys buying clothes on Amazon?
-[audience cheers]

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Who knew that that would become
our new American Eagle?

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We love it.

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But it's never really like
a show-stopping look from Amazon.

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Nobody's seen me
in something from there and been like…

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[gasps] …"Oh my God,
where'd you get your dress?"

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Uh, the same place I bought my printer.

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[audience laughs]

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And my cat's litter box.

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Same package.

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I don't think it's entirely my fault
that I have bad fashion.

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Spokane is not a well-dressed city.

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Okay, I don't know if you've been through.
It's the blind leading the blind.

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It's a lot of camo,

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a lot of women in shirts
that say, "It's wine o'clock somewhere."

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People just go to the strip club there
and make it rain Kohl's Cash. You're like…

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[audience laughs]

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We got a little bit
of a Kohl's crowd, huh? [chuckles]

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Listen, I love a Sonoma nightie.

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Oh, please.

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[chuckles] Bury me in Sonoma.

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I did splurge recently
and buy one of the Oura Rings.

106
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You guys seen the Oura Rings?

107
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All right. It's like the new Apple Watch.
It tracks your sleep and your movement.

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But sometimes it will try to guess
what activity you just did.

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[audience chuckles]

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So I wore it
when I had sex with my boyfriend,

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and I got a notification from it
on my phone that said,

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"Hey, did you just do some light walking?"

113
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[audience roars with laughter]

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I was like, "Fuck you!"

115
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I am bringing the heat in there.

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Put some respect on my name.

117
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I would be devastated
if my boyfriend described sex with me

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as a brisk jaunt.

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[audience laughs]

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[mumbles] What the hell?

121
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But you can go in
and correct the app's guess.

122
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So I, uh…
I just changed it to horseback riding.

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[audience laughs]

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I'm using my hips, it counts.

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Because sex isn't even an option
on the app, which I think is dumb.

126
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I live here in Minnesota. In the winter,
sex is the only exercise I get.

127
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I'll be shivering
looking at my boyfriend like,

128
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"Why are you outside of me right now?"
[mutters] Fucking…

129
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Let's do some light walking.

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[audience laughs]

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Let's warm it up.

132
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You know what some of the exercise options
they do list are? Hula-Hoop.

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I'm like, "That's just air sex."

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It's like a neutered dog that still humps.

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[audience laughs]

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Stupid.

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One of the other exercise options,
I swear to God, is musical instrument.

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I'm like,
if somebody's ripping clarinet so hard

139
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that it registers as a workout,
get that guy a Hula-Hoop,

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'cause that's as close to real sex
as they're gonna get.

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[audience laughs]

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-[audience member] Whoo!
-[audience cheers and applauds]

143
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I'm just still bitter
about the light walking. [chuckles]

144
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That's all that is.

145
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And then I stopped, and I really thought
about what I do during sex.

146
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And I was like,
I do mostly just lay there.

147
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Light walking was actually
a pretty generous suggestion.

148
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[audience laughs]

149
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Kind of surprised it wasn't like,
"Did you just take a fitful nap?"

150
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[audience chuckles]

151
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We can tell you're laying down,
but you're kind of squirrelly.

152
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[audience laughs]

153
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Maybe you ate too close to bedtime, huh?
Is that what?

154
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You know how synchronized swimmers,

155
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they're on their back,
but their legs are like…

156
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[audience chuckles]

157
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[audience roars with laughter]

158
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[audience cheers]

159
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Yeah, that's the sort of stellar energy
I'm bringing… [laughs] …to the event.

160
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Some women really are doing
the most in bed.

161
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I mentioned on my last special

162
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that there's this porn star
named Adriana Chechik

163
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who went to the dentist
and had him file down her back molars

164
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so that she could make room
for bigger things.

165
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A god amongst mere mortals.

166
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My boyfriend's lucky
if I shave above the knee.

167
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[audience laughs]

168
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[chuckles] She is the GOAT, okay?

169
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When I heard that,

170
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I assumed that was happening exclusively
in the porn community,

171
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but I told that joke about her in Omaha,
and a woman came up to me after and goes,

172
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"Oh my God,
it's so funny you told that joke."

173
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"I'm a dental hygienist,

174
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and I just had one of my coworkers do
the same thing to me."

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[audience laughs]

176
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Yeah.

177
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She just… She took the sharp points off
so I don't poke my man.

178
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You know what I mean.

179
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-I was like, "No."
-[audience chuckles]

180
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"No, I don't know what you mean.
I can't relate to you on this."

181
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I don't want this
to become the new standard for women.

182
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I'm like, "Look, I want to do
as good a job down there as the next lady,

183
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but I also want to be able
to chew a steak."

184
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:23,789
[audience laughs]

185
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:29,045
We've got these women walking around
with flat teeth,

186
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,631
like a brontosaurus.

187
00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:39,930
I'm just eating leaves and dick.

188
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[audience laughs and claps]

189
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I mean, that is an unsustainable diet.

190
00:10:50,441 --> 00:10:52,693
We gotta get you some jerky or something.

191
00:10:54,278 --> 00:10:58,240
I went on stage in Omaha the next night
and was like, "I need some of you to know

192
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:01,994
that your dental hygienist is
into some freaky-ass shit."

193
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:04,413
Oh my God.

194
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:08,125
If I knew my dental hygienist was
that committed to giving head,

195
00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:09,585
I'd be like, "Hey, you know what?"

196
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,380
"Today, how about we take some time
and clean out your mouth?"

197
00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:16,425
A little people helping people here.

198
00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:18,511
Let's find a pressure washer.

199
00:11:19,303 --> 00:11:20,137
Get in there.

200
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,976
So my boyfriend's name is Chad.

201
00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:28,938
-Uh. [laughs]
-[audience cheers]

202
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,731
I know some of you know him.

203
00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:32,108
Uh, he's also a comic.

204
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:35,236
We've been together for a few years,
and you could not find

205
00:11:35,319 --> 00:11:38,197
two more different people
on the planet than me and him.

206
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,617
He has the worst road rage
of anybody I've ever met.

207
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,536
Make some noise
if you're in a relationship

208
00:11:43,619 --> 00:11:45,162
with somebody with road rage.

209
00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:47,248
[audience cheers]

210
00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:52,211
Did you notice how
there was a moment of hesitation?

211
00:11:52,294 --> 00:11:54,296
[audience chuckles]

212
00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:55,923
'Cause they're like,

213
00:11:56,006 --> 00:11:58,759
"He's sitting right next to me,
and he's so fucking scary."

214
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:02,346
"I don't wanna… upset him."

215
00:12:02,930 --> 00:12:04,557
I appreciate your bravery.

216
00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:07,435
The reason I have to even ask
a question like that

217
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:10,146
is because if I ask
who here has road rage,

218
00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:13,482
it's completely silent
because those people are like,

219
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:16,402
"I don't have road rage.
I'm just not a fucking idiot."

220
00:12:16,485 --> 00:12:20,114
[audience laughs and cheers]

221
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:21,741
Ah.

222
00:12:23,909 --> 00:12:25,327
There you are.

223
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:29,790
-You goddamn psychos.
[audience laughs]

224
00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:31,751
I know you'd show yourselves.

225
00:12:33,794 --> 00:12:37,131
Chad wants to get where he's going
as fast as humanly possible,

226
00:12:37,214 --> 00:12:40,843
regardless of if there's any urgency
to what we're doing.

227
00:12:41,343 --> 00:12:42,762
We could be going to Whole Foods,

228
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:46,432
and he drives like he's been stabbed
and is bleeding out.

229
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:51,061
I'm like, "We're buying potato salad.
Why are we Tokyo drifting?"

230
00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:52,938
[audience laughs]

231
00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:54,607
This is too much.

232
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:58,527
And he has zero tolerance
for people driving in a way

233
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:02,031
that he doesn't think
are the perfect rules of the road.

234
00:13:02,531 --> 00:13:03,657
We'll be on the freeway,

235
00:13:03,741 --> 00:13:06,118
and if he sees somebody doing
something he doesn't like,

236
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:09,789
he will pull up next to them
and give them a thumbs down.

237
00:13:09,872 --> 00:13:11,874
[audience roars with laughter]

238
00:13:17,546 --> 00:13:19,465
I'm like, "You're gonna get shot."

239
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:23,886
Because this is so much worse than this.

240
00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:28,224
We've all seen this a million times.
Everybody's immune to this.

241
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,559
But you hit somebody with this,

242
00:13:32,394 --> 00:13:34,438
people see their father.

243
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:43,781
This says, "I'm not mad.
I'm just disappointed."

244
00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:45,866
[audience laughs]

245
00:13:48,619 --> 00:13:51,038
It's a way scarier button to push.

246
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:54,208
And I love Chad so much,

247
00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:58,170
but God, he was so hard to get a read on
early on in our relationship.

248
00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:00,297
One of our first dates,
we went mini golfing,

249
00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:03,050
and for an hour, he didn't crack a smile.

250
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:06,679
I finally was like, "I'm having fun."

251
00:14:08,472 --> 00:14:10,015
"Are you having fun?"

252
00:14:11,141 --> 00:14:12,518
And he was like, "Yeah."

253
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:15,354
I was like,
"Well, tell your fucking face."

254
00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:17,439
[audience laughs]

255
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:28,492
He finally told me months later,
he was like,

256
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:32,162
"You know, I just had my guard up
'cause I didn't want to get hurt."

257
00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:34,999
And I was like,
"That's what was going on?"

258
00:14:35,499 --> 00:14:37,960
"I thought you wanted
to wear my skin as a suit."

259
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:42,172
I was, like,
sharing my location with my friends.

260
00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:45,050
Thought I was about to get Dextered.

261
00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:50,931
He's just a very guarded person.
He, like, physically rejects compliments.

262
00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:55,019
He cannot accept words of affirmation.
We've been together for quite a while now.

263
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:57,688
The other day I was like,
"God, you're so hot."

264
00:14:57,771 --> 00:15:01,400
He goes, "Do you think
you have Stockholm syndrome?"

265
00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:03,903
[audience laughs]

266
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,160
I'm like,
"This is not a hostage situation."

267
00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:13,203
"Let my love in."

268
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:17,082
He's just a very skeptical human,
and I'm very gullible.

269
00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:20,502
I like a lot of woo-woo things,
like feng shui and vision boards.

270
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:24,006
I did tell myself, "Hey, no crystals."

271
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:27,551
We got to draw a line somewhere.

272
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:31,096
We can't drift into that abyss
of witchcraft and wizardry, okay?

273
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,975
But this girl came up to me after a show
with a gift bag,

274
00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:38,020
and it was a bunch of crystals,
and I was like, "Ha."

275
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,481
"Um." I was like, "This is so sweet,

276
00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:44,068
but I'm kind of scared
to have this spooky shit in my house."

277
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:47,112
I swear to God, she goes,
"No, they're great."

278
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:49,031
"Just make sure when it's a full moon,

279
00:15:49,114 --> 00:15:51,909
you put them on your windowsill
so the moonlight can cleanse them,

280
00:15:51,992 --> 00:15:53,953
or else it might bring dark energy
into your home."

281
00:15:54,036 --> 00:15:56,872
-I was like, "What the fuck, man?"
-[audience laughs]

282
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,168
"What are we doing here?"

283
00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:04,797
I feel like crystals are
the physical representation

284
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,256
of a chain email.

285
00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:13,722
You open your inbox, and it's like,
"If you don't forward this to 50 people,

286
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:16,100
your family dies."

287
00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:20,396
The sane part of your brain
is always like, "This is nonsense."

288
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:24,024
Then you walk away from your computer,
and the crazy part of your brain is like,

289
00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:27,277
"We do really love Nana."
And you're like, "Well, goddamn it."

290
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:33,826
I don't know what to do with the crystals.
I'm afraid if I throw them away now,

291
00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:35,828
I'll get hit by a bus or something.

292
00:16:35,911 --> 00:16:38,330
I don't know.
I feel like I'm trapped in <i>Jumanji</i>.

293
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,418
And Chad was rolling his eyes
so hard at me

294
00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:44,586
for even kind of believing in them,

295
00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:49,049
which I think is crazy
because he is a massive football fan.

296
00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:53,846
And I think men's sport superstitions
are the crystal meth of crystals.

297
00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:57,224
[audience laughs and cheers]

298
00:16:57,307 --> 00:16:58,183
Yeah.

299
00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:01,228
Oh my God. Especially in this town.

300
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:07,317
And Chad's is even more ramped up
because he likes to bet on football,

301
00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:11,196
which I think is really cool for somebody
who's prone to outbursts of anger.

302
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,574
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughs]

303
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:16,910
Yeah. Let's get money involved.

304
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:21,874
So last fall,
the Vikings were playing the Bears.

305
00:17:21,957 --> 00:17:25,169
Chad had bet on the Vikings to win
by more than four points.

306
00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:27,296
There was a minute and a half
left of the game.

307
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:29,673
The Vikings were up by 11.

308
00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:31,341
I don't know enough about football

309
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:34,970
to know that a minute and a half
is still, like, a long time.

310
00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:41,435
So I just see the time and the score.
And I go, "Hey, congrats."

311
00:17:41,518 --> 00:17:43,979
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughs]

312
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,065
[audience exclaiming]

313
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,529
Oh, every man here is like, "You bitch."

314
00:17:59,411 --> 00:18:00,996
[chuckles]

315
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:05,167
So I'm like, "Congrats."
And Chad goes, "What are you doing?"

316
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:07,544
[audience laughs]

317
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:09,797
"Why would you say that?"

318
00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:12,299
And I just have love in my heart.

319
00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:15,469
I'm like, "Look, you're doing so good.
It's almost done."

320
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:18,514
"Congrats."

321
00:18:19,848 --> 00:18:22,226
And Chad goes, "Shut the fuck up."

322
00:18:22,309 --> 00:18:24,686
[audience laughs]

323
00:18:26,146 --> 00:18:27,606
"Stop talking."

324
00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:31,860
I am not kidding you.

325
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:35,364
In the next minute and a half,
the Bears scored 11 points.

326
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:37,074
[audience laughs]

327
00:18:38,033 --> 00:18:40,244
The game went into overtime.

328
00:18:40,327 --> 00:18:42,079
The Vikings still ended up winning

329
00:18:42,162 --> 00:18:44,581
but not by more than four points anymore.

330
00:18:45,415 --> 00:18:49,962
Chad leaps off the couch and is like,
"I can't believe you lost me my bet."

331
00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:52,047
[audience laughs]

332
00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:53,841
[giggles incredulously]

333
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:56,385
I was like, "Whoa."

334
00:18:57,386 --> 00:19:02,558
"You can't possibly believe that
me saying congrats on our couch at home

335
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:05,310
affected the outcome of this game."

336
00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:08,772
And he goes, "Well, we'll never know."

337
00:19:08,856 --> 00:19:11,525
[audience roars with laughter]

338
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:17,030
[audience cheers and applauds]

339
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:21,869
I was like,

340
00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:25,247
"I can't believe you give me any shit
for believing in crystals,

341
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:28,375
because if there was a crystal that could
send the Vikings to the Super Bowl,

342
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:30,419
you would carry it in your asshole."

343
00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:33,547
[audience laughs and cheers]

344
00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:46,143
I would be following him
around the house like,

345
00:19:46,226 --> 00:19:48,854
"Hey, full moon, pants down,
ass up, let's go."

346
00:19:48,937 --> 00:19:50,939
[audience laughs]

347
00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:59,156
-"How bad do you want it?"
-[audience chuckles]

348
00:19:59,239 --> 00:20:01,200
Okay. Downward dog.

349
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:11,919
I have come to really like football,

350
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:14,880
but it's such a funny dichotomy to me
in that sport.

351
00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:17,925
It's one of the most macho,
masculine sports there is.

352
00:20:18,008 --> 00:20:20,385
But you also know
that at some point in the week,

353
00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:22,930
they have to go up to each other
in the locker room and be like,

354
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:28,018
"Hey, man, do you want to learn
a secret touchdown dance with me?"

355
00:20:28,101 --> 00:20:31,021
[audience laughs]

356
00:20:39,696 --> 00:20:43,909
'Cause when we see them do that on Sunday,
that took a lot of choreography, you know?

357
00:20:43,992 --> 00:20:45,869
That didn't just happen in the moment.

358
00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:47,329
So we turn the game on,

359
00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:50,582
and we see them running into dudes
and smashing them into the ground.

360
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:52,876
Then they get into the end zone,
and they're like…

361
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,963
[audience laughs]

362
00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:07,683
And you dudes are at home
watching like, "Fuck, yeah!"

363
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:14,439
[audience applauds and cheers]

364
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:19,361
I'm like, "They just played patty-cake."

365
00:21:20,696 --> 00:21:23,573
This is literally the silliest shit
I've ever seen in my life.

366
00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:31,290
So I got to witness
something pretty crazy recently.

367
00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:34,042
I got to witness
my first drunk flight attendant.

368
00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:35,377
[audience] Ooh!

369
00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:38,005
Yeah, I didn't even know
they made them like that.

370
00:21:39,339 --> 00:21:41,049
And if this guy wasn't drunk,

371
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:44,177
he was for sure quitting
at the end of that flight.

372
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,056
Living like he had nothing to lose.

373
00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:51,018
I knew something was gonna be
interesting about him right away.

374
00:21:51,101 --> 00:21:55,147
When you picture a flight attendant,
you picture, like, a polished young woman.

375
00:21:55,230 --> 00:21:57,607
I want you guys to picture Chris Farley.

376
00:21:57,691 --> 00:21:59,693
[audience laughs]

377
00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:03,613
The big shaggy dog,
look like he just woke up.

378
00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:07,409
And anytime an older woman would get
on board, like eighties, nineties,

379
00:22:07,492 --> 00:22:10,245
he'd go,
"Welcome to the pimp plane, ladies."

380
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:12,331
[audience laughs]

381
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:17,377
They're all like, "What?"

382
00:22:19,838 --> 00:22:21,298
Horrified.

383
00:22:21,381 --> 00:22:24,343
And at this point,
you're probably thinking Spirit Airlines.

384
00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:26,887
[audience laughs]

385
00:22:26,970 --> 00:22:28,430
Perhaps Southwest.

386
00:22:29,222 --> 00:22:30,474
No, this was Delta,

387
00:22:32,267 --> 00:22:35,979
which is usually such a businessy vibe,
which made this even funnier to me.

388
00:22:36,063 --> 00:22:39,691
We get on board, he gets on the intercom
to do the preflight announcement.

389
00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:43,278
He gets halfway through it
and just goes, "Uh."

390
00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:46,823
"I don't remember what else
I was supposed to tell you guys."

391
00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:51,203
"Just go sit down."

392
00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:56,291
-We're like, "Do you even work here?"
-[audience laughs]

393
00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:57,542
The plane takes off,

394
00:22:57,626 --> 00:22:59,711
he comes down the aisle,
he gets to our area and goes,

395
00:22:59,795 --> 00:23:03,256
"All right, just so you guys know,
my policy for this flight is

396
00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:06,635
as fast as you drink them
is as fast as I pour them."

397
00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:11,014
I was like, "Well, everybody's about
to be in a blackout."

398
00:23:12,849 --> 00:23:15,185
And sure enough,
anytime somebody ordered a cocktail,

399
00:23:15,268 --> 00:23:18,397
he would hand them a full bottle
of alcohol with the cocktail.

400
00:23:18,897 --> 00:23:22,025
It was like drunk trick-or-treating.
"Here. Here."

401
00:23:22,109 --> 00:23:24,861
I had one of those giant
Nalgene water bottles with me.

402
00:23:24,945 --> 00:23:27,322
He goes, "You want me
to fill that with something?"

403
00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:29,408
[audience laughs]

404
00:23:30,575 --> 00:23:32,953
I was like,
"It's 6 a.m., my guy. I'm okay."

405
00:23:34,538 --> 00:23:39,376
Within 45 minutes,
everybody around me is shit-faced, okay?

406
00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:42,462
Including the woman sitting next to me
who was a little older.

407
00:23:42,546 --> 00:23:43,964
She turns to me and goes,

408
00:23:44,047 --> 00:23:48,468
"I'm on my way to my son's wedding,
and I'm supposed to give a speech."

409
00:23:51,096 --> 00:23:53,265
I was like, "Oh, shit."

410
00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:57,978
The ripple effect of this flight attendant
is catastrophic.

411
00:23:58,061 --> 00:24:00,063
[audience laughs]

412
00:24:00,981 --> 00:24:03,859
I mean, we are damaging
families across America today.

413
00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:10,157
So we were all kind of giggling about him.
And then I got up to use the bathroom.

414
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:11,867
And little something about me,

415
00:24:11,950 --> 00:24:14,453
sometimes I poop on planes.

416
00:24:16,746 --> 00:24:18,540
I hope we can all still be friends.

417
00:24:19,666 --> 00:24:21,835
Because some people feel
very strongly about this.

418
00:24:21,918 --> 00:24:25,464
They think it's a really rude thing to do.
I'm always like, "Hey, you know what?"

419
00:24:25,547 --> 00:24:28,758
I promise you it's not ruder
than me shitting my pants.

420
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:30,844
[audience laughs]

421
00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:34,473
Namaste.

422
00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:36,558
[audience chuckles]

423
00:24:38,852 --> 00:24:40,228
Chad is part of that camp.

424
00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:44,816
He's like, "Yeah, I've never done that.
It just doesn't seem great in there."

425
00:24:45,942 --> 00:24:48,904
I'm like, "Yeah, man,
I don't wanna poop on the plane."

426
00:24:49,821 --> 00:24:52,574
"I haven't been saving up for it."

427
00:24:59,122 --> 00:25:01,500
I didn't wake up that morning like,
"Oh, I hope I get to shit

428
00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:03,835
in half a porta-potty in the sky today."

429
00:25:05,295 --> 00:25:06,713
Please, it's like…

430
00:25:06,796 --> 00:25:09,174
No, sometimes it's just how
the timing lines up.

431
00:25:09,257 --> 00:25:13,803
And frankly, I don't understand
how everybody isn't pooping on the plane.

432
00:25:13,887 --> 00:25:16,431
We're all 30,000 feet in the air.

433
00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:18,475
It is pressure-cooking our bowels.

434
00:25:18,975 --> 00:25:21,102
Have you ever
had a bottle of water on a flight,

435
00:25:21,186 --> 00:25:23,396
and halfway through the flight, it's like…

436
00:25:27,609 --> 00:25:28,568
That's my asshole.

437
00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:30,904
[audience laughs]

438
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:34,199
How is this not everybody's asshole?

439
00:25:35,325 --> 00:25:38,703
We're all eating Panda Express
then hopping on board 30 minutes later.

440
00:25:40,872 --> 00:25:42,374
Tell me your secrets.

441
00:25:45,877 --> 00:25:48,255
So I went in there to do my business.

442
00:25:48,338 --> 00:25:52,968
And if you've ever pooped on a plane,
you know it's never your best work.

443
00:25:53,051 --> 00:25:55,053
[audience giggles]

444
00:25:56,555 --> 00:26:00,308
It's never like
a quick little one, two, buckle my shoe.

445
00:26:03,395 --> 00:26:04,229
No.

446
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:09,109
It's always like
a nine, ten, I can't have Chipotle again.

447
00:26:09,192 --> 00:26:11,319
[audience guffaws]

448
00:26:15,699 --> 00:26:17,117
[audience cheers]

449
00:26:18,785 --> 00:26:21,121
You're just sweating bullets.

450
00:26:21,204 --> 00:26:23,915
You know a line is forming outside.

451
00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:28,920
Every time it happens, I'm like, "This is
not what the Wright brothers wanted."

452
00:26:34,718 --> 00:26:38,638
So let's just say I was in there
for a minute. All right.

453
00:26:38,722 --> 00:26:40,849
And I walked out and looked down,

454
00:26:40,932 --> 00:26:44,311
and that flight attendant
has been sitting in his seat

455
00:26:44,394 --> 00:26:48,273
with the back
against the bathroom the entire time.

456
00:26:49,399 --> 00:26:51,318
And he and I make eye contact,

457
00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:55,363
and I kind of give him a look like,
"Bitch, be cool."

458
00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:57,991
[audience laughs]

459
00:27:00,285 --> 00:27:02,579
And I start to walk away.

460
00:27:02,662 --> 00:27:06,750
And all of a sudden,
I hear him shout so loudly,

461
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:09,002
"Ugh."

462
00:27:09,085 --> 00:27:11,087
[audience laughs]

463
00:27:16,843 --> 00:27:19,262
I froze and turned around.

464
00:27:19,346 --> 00:27:22,599
He is standing at the front of the plane,
staring at me, going…

465
00:27:30,649 --> 00:27:32,692
I thought I was having a night terror.

466
00:27:34,110 --> 00:27:36,571
I could not believe
this was actually happening.

467
00:27:37,072 --> 00:27:39,240
I wanted to go into the cockpit,
up to the pilot, like,

468
00:27:39,324 --> 00:27:41,868
"Hey, can you guys crash the plane
in a way that

469
00:27:43,536 --> 00:27:45,747
just kills one person if possible?"

470
00:27:47,624 --> 00:27:49,834
Need this guy out of my life immediately.

471
00:27:51,628 --> 00:27:53,421
And of course I said nothing.

472
00:27:53,505 --> 00:27:56,257
I didn't stand up for myself at all.
I have no backbone.

473
00:27:56,341 --> 00:27:59,302
Chad would never let
something like that happen to himself.

474
00:27:59,386 --> 00:28:03,014
He is the most confrontational person
I have ever met in my life.

475
00:28:03,098 --> 00:28:05,308
He and I were
on a plane together last year,

476
00:28:05,392 --> 00:28:09,104
and somebody in our section
would not stop farting.

477
00:28:09,187 --> 00:28:11,064
[audience chuckles]

478
00:28:11,606 --> 00:28:16,069
I'm talking 30 straight minutes
of ripping ass.

479
00:28:17,278 --> 00:28:19,114
Medically, it was shocking.

480
00:28:22,325 --> 00:28:26,246
Chad turns to me
and is like, "Is that you?"

481
00:28:26,329 --> 00:28:28,331
[audience laughs]

482
00:28:37,173 --> 00:28:40,427
Which, listen, 99% of the time,
the answer is yes.

483
00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:43,179
I mean, I'm not really blaming him
for asking me,

484
00:28:43,263 --> 00:28:45,890
but I was like, "No, I swear to God,
it's not me this time."

485
00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:49,310
Thank God that other flight attendant
wasn't also on this flight.

486
00:28:49,811 --> 00:28:52,897
He'd be like, "I can still smell you
from six months ago, so…"

487
00:28:53,690 --> 00:28:56,234
"Can't taste food.
I don't know what's going on, but okay."

488
00:28:57,110 --> 00:29:01,698
Another ten minutes go by,
this person does not stop farting.

489
00:29:01,781 --> 00:29:06,244
Chad takes his headphones off,
and I swear to Christ,

490
00:29:06,327 --> 00:29:08,913
shouts to our entire area,

491
00:29:08,997 --> 00:29:12,792
"Hey, you stink."

492
00:29:12,876 --> 00:29:14,878
[audience laughs]

493
00:29:22,552 --> 00:29:26,806
And then he followed it with,
"Go to the bathroom and take care of it."

494
00:29:26,890 --> 00:29:30,810
[audience laughs and claps]

495
00:29:34,272 --> 00:29:36,775
I wanted to flush myself
out of the airplane toilet.

496
00:29:37,984 --> 00:29:42,655
I was so mortified
because everybody's facing forward.

497
00:29:43,281 --> 00:29:46,826
So, nobody thinks
that he's talking to them.

498
00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:52,499
-They all think he's talking to me.
-[audience laughs]

499
00:30:00,673 --> 00:30:03,092
Like I'm just some filthy little piglet

500
00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:07,472
that he has to be like,
"Go take care of that."

501
00:30:08,389 --> 00:30:11,226
"Wipe better." Mm, great, thanks.

502
00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:14,813
I'm just like, "What was your plan here?"

503
00:30:14,896 --> 00:30:18,858
Even if we were all sitting in a circle
facing one another,

504
00:30:18,942 --> 00:30:22,237
who do you think after being screamed at
is gonna be like,

505
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:25,782
"Oh shit, sorry, man. That's my bad.
Okay, yeah. All right, excuse me."

506
00:30:25,865 --> 00:30:28,868
"Oh, excuse me.
Yep, sorry. Oh, all right."

507
00:30:28,952 --> 00:30:31,871
"I'm just shitting my pants in 3B,
didn't think anybody'd know."

508
00:30:33,414 --> 00:30:34,249
No.

509
00:30:35,124 --> 00:30:38,461
If anything, everybody's now
white-knuckle gripping their seats

510
00:30:39,462 --> 00:30:42,090
'cause they know they're on the plane
with a murderer.

511
00:30:45,510 --> 00:30:47,887
It would've been so great
if when we finally landed,

512
00:30:47,971 --> 00:30:51,307
Chad would've turned to me and been like,
"It was actually me the whole time."

513
00:30:51,391 --> 00:30:53,518
[audience laughs]

514
00:30:54,978 --> 00:30:57,272
"It's the classic who smelt it, dealt it."

515
00:30:58,857 --> 00:31:00,483
"Just committed to the bit."

516
00:31:02,277 --> 00:31:05,822
I know it wasn't him
because he has no digestive issues,

517
00:31:05,905 --> 00:31:08,658
which means he has no empathy
for those that do.

518
00:31:08,741 --> 00:31:10,451
He could eat a cigarette,

519
00:31:12,245 --> 00:31:15,874
and his butthole would be like,
"Nah, it's a green bean, pass it."

520
00:31:18,501 --> 00:31:21,713
The security guard at his asshole
is like a substitute teacher.

521
00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:27,093
He's like, "I'm not getting paid enough.
You just… you just do what you gotta do."

522
00:31:29,762 --> 00:31:34,100
He and I, we actually, uh, both just hit
one year of sobriety.

523
00:31:34,183 --> 00:31:37,562
-[audience cheers]
-And, uh… Oh, thank you.

524
00:31:37,645 --> 00:31:38,646
Thanks.

525
00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:43,568
[chuckles] I've, uh… I've learned
that when you tell people you got sober,

526
00:31:43,651 --> 00:31:46,487
it sounds like
you have a drinking problem.

527
00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:49,490
And if you go, "Oh,
but I don't have a drinking problem,"

528
00:31:49,574 --> 00:31:55,580
it sounds like you for sure have
a massive drinking problem.

529
00:31:55,663 --> 00:31:59,918
Like, "No, I'm just taking a break
'cause my lawyer said I should."

530
00:32:00,001 --> 00:32:02,003
[audience laughs]

531
00:32:03,463 --> 00:32:06,090
I'm very lucky.
I don't have an addictive personality.

532
00:32:06,174 --> 00:32:08,301
There is some alcoholism in my family.

533
00:32:08,384 --> 00:32:11,471
Like, my grandma in Idaho
used to go to saloons

534
00:32:11,554 --> 00:32:15,016
with her gun, get drunk,
and shoot the lights out.

535
00:32:15,099 --> 00:32:17,101
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]

536
00:32:17,685 --> 00:32:20,396
So relatively speaking, I'm doing great.

537
00:32:21,230 --> 00:32:22,315
I'm really fine.

538
00:32:22,398 --> 00:32:26,861
I quit drinking for a really mild reason.
I couldn't handle the hangovers anymore.

539
00:32:26,945 --> 00:32:31,866
My God, I feel like you hit your thirties,
and hangovers get so dark so fast.

540
00:32:31,950 --> 00:32:34,327
It wasn't just the physical part.
It was the mental part too.

541
00:32:34,410 --> 00:32:37,914
Like, do you guys ever get bad anxiety
the morning after drinking?

542
00:32:37,997 --> 00:32:40,541
Oh my God,
it's like an actual medical term now.

543
00:32:40,625 --> 00:32:43,252
It's called "hangxiety."
It's fucking crazy.

544
00:32:43,336 --> 00:32:46,214
I never had hangxiety in my twenties.

545
00:32:46,297 --> 00:32:49,884
I would wake up after, like, blacking out,
and my first thought would be,

546
00:32:49,968 --> 00:32:53,388
"Oh God, I hope I can make it
to McDonald's in time

547
00:32:53,471 --> 00:32:55,473
for them to still be serving breakfast."

548
00:32:57,558 --> 00:32:59,978
It was my number one concern in life.

549
00:33:00,061 --> 00:33:02,647
In my thirties, when I wake up
after a night of drinking,

550
00:33:02,730 --> 00:33:05,066
my first thought now is, "Oh God,

551
00:33:06,109 --> 00:33:08,194
do I wanna be buried or cremated?"

552
00:33:08,277 --> 00:33:10,238
[audience laughs]

553
00:33:10,738 --> 00:33:12,782
"Gotta get my affairs in order."

554
00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:18,496
I don't understand how, like,
old, old people are still drinking hard.

555
00:33:18,579 --> 00:33:21,290
You know they're not hydrating, right?

556
00:33:21,374 --> 00:33:22,834
I feel like my grandma's like,

557
00:33:22,917 --> 00:33:26,004
"I haven't had water
since I was a little girl."

558
00:33:27,380 --> 00:33:28,214
Okay.

559
00:33:29,716 --> 00:33:30,883
[exhales]

560
00:33:30,967 --> 00:33:33,344
They're like old cars, you know?

561
00:33:33,428 --> 00:33:34,846
They're built different.

562
00:33:35,596 --> 00:33:37,515
They run on different gas.

563
00:33:38,016 --> 00:33:41,144
We need water, and they're like,
"Does anybody have Kahlúa?"

564
00:33:41,227 --> 00:33:47,066
Like, "We're at a baptism. Can you
kind of fucking chill out a little bit?"

565
00:33:47,775 --> 00:33:49,736
"Maybe grab a Sprite, sit down."

566
00:33:50,987 --> 00:33:54,949
My grandpa made me a gin and tonic once,
and I almost exploded.

567
00:33:56,367 --> 00:33:58,369
I didn't watch him make it,
but based on the taste,

568
00:33:58,453 --> 00:34:01,664
I think he poured gin into a glass,
dipped his fingers in tonic water

569
00:34:01,748 --> 00:34:02,623
and went…

570
00:34:06,753 --> 00:34:07,628
"Happy birthday."

571
00:34:09,047 --> 00:34:11,174
"Oh, I'm 12, okay."

572
00:34:11,674 --> 00:34:15,428
Kind of hoping for a puka shell necklace
or something, but that's fine.

573
00:34:16,679 --> 00:34:21,059
I also don't know how people drink hard,
wake up hungover

574
00:34:21,142 --> 00:34:24,479
and have young kids they have
to take care of the next morning.

575
00:34:24,562 --> 00:34:28,066
[chuckles] I know that's some of you
for sure tomorrow.

576
00:34:28,149 --> 00:34:30,276
-[audience cheers]
-Yeah, I know.

577
00:34:30,359 --> 00:34:32,737
Tomorrow's going to be an iPad day.

578
00:34:32,820 --> 00:34:35,490
[audience laughs]

579
00:34:36,741 --> 00:34:38,493
[audience member squeals]

580
00:34:39,285 --> 00:34:42,955
Yeah. You're gonna want
to charge that puppy up tonight.

581
00:34:43,706 --> 00:34:46,250
You need a lot of <i>PAW Patrol </i>tomorrow.

582
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:48,795
I don't have kids.

583
00:34:48,878 --> 00:34:51,881
The closest I can relate is
I have nieces who are two and four.

584
00:34:51,964 --> 00:34:53,424
I love them so much.

585
00:34:53,508 --> 00:34:57,178
They do also act like they have
been fed exclusively crack cocaine.

586
00:34:57,261 --> 00:34:58,888
[audience laughs]

587
00:34:58,971 --> 00:35:00,598
They are feral children.

588
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:03,267
The two-year-old
was having a tantrum the other day,

589
00:35:03,351 --> 00:35:05,728
and my sister-in-law walked her by me.

590
00:35:05,812 --> 00:35:08,898
The two-year-old reached out, bit my neck.

591
00:35:10,358 --> 00:35:13,277
-I had a drive-by bite.
-[audience laughs]

592
00:35:13,361 --> 00:35:15,780
What has she been sniffing? Bath salts?

593
00:35:16,697 --> 00:35:19,200
We've got a tiny Mike Tyson in the house.

594
00:35:21,244 --> 00:35:23,830
And look, I know
that my brother and sister-in-law

595
00:35:23,913 --> 00:35:25,998
could not love them more than they do,

596
00:35:26,082 --> 00:35:29,043
but I'm sure there are also days
where they look at each other like,

597
00:35:29,544 --> 00:35:35,675
"What if we just left the front door open
and… see what happens? Yeah."

598
00:35:36,300 --> 00:35:39,095
"Maybe a coyote and an owl
will raise them."

599
00:35:40,596 --> 00:35:43,141
Some sort of <i>Jungle Book </i>situation,
you know.

600
00:35:46,018 --> 00:35:48,813
I'm not gonna have kids,
and I'm totally okay with that.

601
00:35:48,896 --> 00:35:51,691
Chad has older kids,
and that's kind of what's worked for us.

602
00:35:51,774 --> 00:35:53,359
But I'm at the age of being a mom,

603
00:35:53,442 --> 00:35:56,737
so TikTok sends me
lots of different mom videos.

604
00:35:56,821 --> 00:35:59,031
I'll open the app,
and it'll be a woman like,

605
00:35:59,115 --> 00:36:02,368
"Hey, I'm here to let you know,
if you're on the fence about having kids,

606
00:36:02,451 --> 00:36:05,830
so was I, and this child
is the light of my life, okay?"

607
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:07,540
"This is a love I've never known before,

608
00:36:07,623 --> 00:36:09,500
so if you're sitting there
and you're not sure,

609
00:36:09,584 --> 00:36:12,003
I'm here to tell you, do it, sister."

610
00:36:12,086 --> 00:36:14,755
[audience cheers and laughs]

611
00:36:20,553 --> 00:36:22,263
And then I scroll up,

612
00:36:22,763 --> 00:36:26,142
and the next video
is a woman with pepperoni in her hair.

613
00:36:26,225 --> 00:36:28,895
[audience laughs and cheers]

614
00:36:29,854 --> 00:36:33,316
There's blood on her shirt
from where her nipples used to be.

615
00:36:34,775 --> 00:36:38,029
Maybe that's what's in her hair.
I don't know. I don't know her personally.

616
00:36:40,656 --> 00:36:43,284
And she's clearly, like, in a closet,

617
00:36:43,367 --> 00:36:47,246
hiding from her child with her phone,
like <i>Blair Witch Project</i>.

618
00:36:47,330 --> 00:36:49,332
[audience laughs]

619
00:36:50,041 --> 00:36:52,710
And a direct quote from this video was,

620
00:36:52,793 --> 00:36:56,255
"When I was growing up,
my biggest dream in life was to be a mom,

621
00:36:56,339 --> 00:36:59,217
and I'm here to tell you, dream bigger."

622
00:36:59,300 --> 00:37:00,843
[audience laughs]

623
00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:03,012
[cheering, applauding]

624
00:37:08,935 --> 00:37:11,312
And I was like, "Ooh, say less."

625
00:37:11,395 --> 00:37:13,314
Yeah. No, thanks.

626
00:37:13,397 --> 00:37:16,817
It just… God, having kids
seems so hard to me.

627
00:37:16,901 --> 00:37:21,030
It seems so hard to me that I'm shocked
the amount of people that have them

628
00:37:21,113 --> 00:37:23,866
is what it is
compared to the amount that don't.

629
00:37:23,950 --> 00:37:27,161
I feel like
that number should be flipped, right?

630
00:37:27,245 --> 00:37:31,165
Don't you think it would just be
15 women that are like, "I'll do it."

631
00:37:31,249 --> 00:37:33,542
[audience laughs]

632
00:37:39,257 --> 00:37:41,175
"I volunteer as tribute."

633
00:37:44,303 --> 00:37:49,517
Just a sturdy woman,
ready to push out 20 kids,

634
00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:51,686
keep our population going.

635
00:37:52,603 --> 00:37:56,065
Yeah, I mean, even Gen Z makes me feel
like I'm 1,000 years old.

636
00:37:56,148 --> 00:37:57,984
I was talking about their fashion earlier.

637
00:37:58,067 --> 00:38:00,236
I feel like female comics, especially,

638
00:38:00,319 --> 00:38:02,989
we don't really know
what we're supposed to wear on stage,

639
00:38:03,072 --> 00:38:05,283
and then our agents will call us
and be like, "Hey,

640
00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:09,120
you gotta take new pictures for the poster
outside the club, so look nice."

641
00:38:09,203 --> 00:38:11,247
So we put fake lashes on,

642
00:38:11,330 --> 00:38:14,000
and we get a spray tan,
and we push our boobs up.

643
00:38:14,083 --> 00:38:17,962
And most of the time, we walk out here
like the pigeon lady from <i>Home Alone 2</i>.

644
00:38:18,045 --> 00:38:20,756
We're like, "Ah!"
You're like, "Hm. What the…"

645
00:38:22,842 --> 00:38:26,220
-"Who's this young lad?"
-[audience laughs]

646
00:38:27,013 --> 00:38:29,598
I rarely look
like the poster version of me up here.

647
00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:32,643
It takes a lot of time and effort.
And it's kind of a problem

648
00:38:32,727 --> 00:38:35,980
because I did a show
at a casino in Philadelphia last year,

649
00:38:36,063 --> 00:38:39,859
and they made a billboard for it,
like side of the freeway billboard.

650
00:38:39,942 --> 00:38:44,030
And they used one of those promo pictures
where it was like so much cleavage.

651
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:45,823
I don't know what I was thinking.

652
00:38:45,906 --> 00:38:50,202
But this billboard just had
that picture and my name.

653
00:38:50,286 --> 00:38:53,956
[audience laughs]

654
00:38:54,915 --> 00:38:57,418
They didn't put like, "Comedian."

655
00:39:00,296 --> 00:39:03,841
So it just looked like I was hosting
a motorboating convention.

656
00:39:03,924 --> 00:39:06,093
[audience laughs]

657
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:12,892
It was the picture, my name,
and the gambling addiction hotline number.

658
00:39:14,685 --> 00:39:16,228
It was so confusing.

659
00:39:16,312 --> 00:39:19,857
I knew it was gonna be a problem
because when I walked out that night,

660
00:39:19,940 --> 00:39:24,028
I could tell that truckers had just been
driving by the billboard for months.

661
00:39:24,111 --> 00:39:26,238
It was only old men looking at me like…

662
00:39:27,198 --> 00:39:29,742
[audience chuckles]

663
00:39:31,869 --> 00:39:33,871
"Where's the lady with the tits?"

664
00:39:35,247 --> 00:39:37,083
"Fuckin' not here, Bruce."

665
00:39:37,792 --> 00:39:40,461
"Got pigeons to feed, my guy.
Come on now."

666
00:39:44,340 --> 00:39:46,425
So, uh, this was a little while back.

667
00:39:46,509 --> 00:39:48,386
I ended up
getting diagnosed with depression.

668
00:39:48,469 --> 00:39:51,847
-Anybody else here have depression?
-[audience] Whoo!

669
00:39:51,931 --> 00:39:54,266
"Whoo"? I think some of you are medicated.

670
00:39:54,350 --> 00:39:55,976
-That was…
-[audience laughs]

671
00:39:56,060 --> 00:40:00,022
Some of you had a little pep in your step
up there with your "whoo." It was nice.

672
00:40:00,106 --> 00:40:01,899
I don't know if you feel this way.

673
00:40:01,982 --> 00:40:04,735
I was in such denial as an adult
that I had depression

674
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:07,029
because I didn't feel that way growing up.

675
00:40:07,113 --> 00:40:10,366
But then last year,
I went to the Cheesecake Factory

676
00:40:10,449 --> 00:40:11,659
in my pajamas…

677
00:40:11,742 --> 00:40:13,494
[audience laughs]

678
00:40:14,703 --> 00:40:18,082
-Uh-oh. [chuckles]
-[audience snickers]

679
00:40:19,291 --> 00:40:20,709
Oopsies.

680
00:40:21,669 --> 00:40:24,213
I went at like 4 p.m. on a Tuesday.

681
00:40:24,296 --> 00:40:27,967
And I went up to the waitress.
I was like, "I'm here for happy hour."

682
00:40:29,468 --> 00:40:32,471
And she saw what I was wearing.
She was like, "Are you?"

683
00:40:32,555 --> 00:40:34,557
[audience laughs]

684
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:37,143
"This kind of feels
like the sad hour, but okay."

685
00:40:37,810 --> 00:40:41,939
And I tried Wellbutrin for a week.
It made me feel so much worse.

686
00:40:42,022 --> 00:40:45,818
It turns out that most people have to try,
like, five different antidepressants

687
00:40:45,901 --> 00:40:47,194
before they find the right fit.

688
00:40:47,278 --> 00:40:49,447
There are these forums online
of people like,

689
00:40:49,530 --> 00:40:53,075
"Yeah, I tried this one,
and it made me feel schizophrenic."

690
00:40:53,159 --> 00:40:56,120
"But then I tried this one,
and it made me feel like I was dying."

691
00:40:56,203 --> 00:40:59,498
"But then I found Zoloft,
and now I'm, like, kind of okay."

692
00:40:59,582 --> 00:41:02,126
-I'm like, "What?"
-[audience laughs]

693
00:41:03,169 --> 00:41:07,089
I'm not in a mental state
where I can handle casual schizophrenia.

694
00:41:08,632 --> 00:41:10,885
Kind of need it to work the first time.

695
00:41:10,968 --> 00:41:12,553
I have a very public job.

696
00:41:13,053 --> 00:41:15,556
One of the things I get the most
are intrusive thoughts.

697
00:41:15,639 --> 00:41:17,641
-You guys get intrusive thoughts?
-[audience] Yeah.

698
00:41:17,725 --> 00:41:19,518
Okay. One of the ones I get the most is,

699
00:41:19,602 --> 00:41:22,938
if I'm walking down a busy street
and there's food on the ground,

700
00:41:23,022 --> 00:41:26,192
like a cupcake
just smashed into the sidewalk,

701
00:41:26,275 --> 00:41:27,485
bird shit around it,

702
00:41:27,568 --> 00:41:30,779
my brain every time is like,
"You should eat that."

703
00:41:30,863 --> 00:41:33,115
[audience laughs]

704
00:41:38,746 --> 00:41:42,082
And I know I never will,
but I think my brain is just obsessed

705
00:41:42,166 --> 00:41:45,711
with the amount of freedom
we have as adults,

706
00:41:45,794 --> 00:41:47,755
because you sure can.

707
00:41:50,883 --> 00:41:52,593
I wouldn't advise it.

708
00:41:53,719 --> 00:41:56,222
[chuckles] I just think
it's so funny to picture me

709
00:41:56,305 --> 00:41:59,391
like walking down the street
and seeing the cupcake

710
00:41:59,475 --> 00:42:01,852
and scooping it up and eating it

711
00:42:01,936 --> 00:42:04,438
and just keeping on walking. [laughs]

712
00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:07,900
Because you know people walking
the other way would be like…

713
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:12,780
[gasps and groans]

714
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:18,327
-"Is that the escort from the billboard?"
-[audience laughs]

715
00:42:23,290 --> 00:42:24,917
I thought she'd be doing better.

716
00:42:27,503 --> 00:42:31,799
I also get a lot of intrusive thoughts
around, like, sharp objects and knives.

717
00:42:31,882 --> 00:42:35,427
Like, I can't chop vegetables
without my brain picturing like,

718
00:42:35,511 --> 00:42:40,266
"Oh God, if this knife slips one degree,
we are losing a digit."

719
00:42:40,766 --> 00:42:42,226
I mean, knives are crazy to me.

720
00:42:42,309 --> 00:42:46,397
They're the only weapon
that also doubles as kitchenware.

721
00:42:46,897 --> 00:42:51,277
-Like, you don't shoot a zucchini in half.
-[audience chuckles]

722
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:55,114
I mean, you can, but you'll lose
your security deposit, you know?

723
00:43:00,077 --> 00:43:03,414
And I haven't found a permanent solution
yet for the depression.

724
00:43:03,497 --> 00:43:06,125
I am trying to stay away
from the crystals, but…

725
00:43:07,668 --> 00:43:09,378
They're getting tempting. [laughs]

726
00:43:09,461 --> 00:43:11,797
Might become a full-blown crystal lady.

727
00:43:11,880 --> 00:43:14,216
But I didn't get rid
of those ones the girl gave me.

728
00:43:14,300 --> 00:43:17,386
I have two of them in my fanny pack
in the green room right now.

729
00:43:17,469 --> 00:43:20,014
Like, I don't know,
maybe they do something.

730
00:43:20,097 --> 00:43:22,516
And I know that
part of why I have depression

731
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:26,812
is because my mom has dementia,
which, of course, is just so heartbreaking

732
00:43:26,895 --> 00:43:28,981
to watch your parent
go through something like that.

733
00:43:29,064 --> 00:43:31,483
I visited her recently,
and I had the crystals with me,

734
00:43:31,567 --> 00:43:35,779
so I was like, "Well, maybe she just wants
to, like, hold a pretty, shiny rock."

735
00:43:35,863 --> 00:43:39,158
I held it out to her. I was like, "Hey,
I have crystals. Do you want to hold one?"

736
00:43:39,241 --> 00:43:43,203
And her eyes got so big,
and she reached down and picked one up

737
00:43:43,287 --> 00:43:47,082
and immediately put it in her mouth.
I was like, "Whoa!"

738
00:43:47,958 --> 00:43:49,585
"Hey!"

739
00:43:49,668 --> 00:43:52,504
That is how you make an Avenger,
but we can't.

740
00:43:52,588 --> 00:43:54,048
[audience laughs]

741
00:43:54,131 --> 00:43:55,257
[blows raspberry]

742
00:43:58,552 --> 00:44:00,929
Can't have you Hulking out in the home.

743
00:44:02,514 --> 00:44:04,558
Not covered by Medicaid.

744
00:44:06,477 --> 00:44:07,770
And this next part is dark,

745
00:44:07,853 --> 00:44:10,814
but I don't want you guys to get
tight butthole on me. Okay?

746
00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:12,608
Just know it helps me to talk about it.

747
00:44:12,691 --> 00:44:15,444
And if you know somebody with dementia,
maybe it helps you too.

748
00:44:15,527 --> 00:44:18,030
So my mom,
she's in the later stages of it,

749
00:44:18,113 --> 00:44:20,574
which means
sometimes she still recognizes me,

750
00:44:20,658 --> 00:44:21,992
but sometimes she doesn't.

751
00:44:22,076 --> 00:44:25,037
And I can always tell
when she doesn't recognize me

752
00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:28,957
because she talks to me
like a guy with commitment issues.

753
00:44:29,041 --> 00:44:31,043
[audience laughs]

754
00:44:31,669 --> 00:44:33,921
I'll be like, "All right, I love you."

755
00:44:34,004 --> 00:44:37,299
And she'll go, "That's nice."

756
00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:39,385
[audience laughs]

757
00:44:42,513 --> 00:44:45,182
Which is such a fuckboy response.

758
00:44:46,308 --> 00:44:50,437
Like, "I'm not really looking
for something serious, you know?"

759
00:44:50,521 --> 00:44:54,066
Like, I gave my mom the ick.
She's like, "Oh, please."

760
00:44:55,109 --> 00:44:56,902
Smothering me.

761
00:44:58,821 --> 00:45:02,700
But if you think about it, it's actually,
like, the sweetest response she could say,

762
00:45:02,783 --> 00:45:05,077
given what she thinks is going on.

763
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:06,995
Like, put yourself in that position.

764
00:45:07,079 --> 00:45:09,373
I don't know if any of us
would be that nice. Right?

765
00:45:09,456 --> 00:45:13,627
Like, you're in your room,
and a girl you do not know

766
00:45:13,711 --> 00:45:16,171
walks in, sits on your bed,

767
00:45:16,255 --> 00:45:19,174
hangs out with you for eight hours.

768
00:45:20,175 --> 00:45:23,846
And at the end of it is like,
"All right, I love you."

769
00:45:23,929 --> 00:45:26,390
[audience laughs]

770
00:45:29,184 --> 00:45:34,356
We would all be like, "Help!
Like, what is this, <i>The Shining</i>?"

771
00:45:35,441 --> 00:45:37,067
"I'm being haunted."

772
00:45:38,819 --> 00:45:41,196
She had to go to the hospital
a couple of months ago.

773
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:42,656
She's out now, thankfully.

774
00:45:42,740 --> 00:45:45,409
But when we were in there,
it was me and her and Chad.

775
00:45:45,492 --> 00:45:48,328
I came out of the bathroom,
and she turns to Chad and goes,

776
00:45:48,829 --> 00:45:49,955
"I like this girl."

777
00:45:50,038 --> 00:45:52,040
[audience laughs]

778
00:45:53,083 --> 00:45:58,547
[chuckles] And I was like,
"Yeah, I'm your daughter."

779
00:45:59,047 --> 00:46:04,094
-And she goes, "I don't know about that."
-[audience laughs]

780
00:46:05,804 --> 00:46:09,099
[clears throat] I'm like,
"We are literally in the same hospital

781
00:46:09,183 --> 00:46:11,560
that you gave birth to me in."

782
00:46:11,643 --> 00:46:14,897
That's like going to a restaurant
and the chef coming out and going,

783
00:46:15,606 --> 00:46:16,857
"That looks really good."

784
00:46:16,940 --> 00:46:19,026
[audience laughs]

785
00:46:24,156 --> 00:46:25,866
"Yeah, you made it."

786
00:46:26,992 --> 00:46:29,411
"I don't know about that." What? Wha…

787
00:46:30,370 --> 00:46:32,414
We're in the place it happens.

788
00:46:35,626 --> 00:46:38,879
And obviously, it's really hard
when my mom doesn't recognize me.

789
00:46:38,962 --> 00:46:41,799
I have to kind of try
and find silver linings in those moments.

790
00:46:41,882 --> 00:46:44,218
And I think it is pretty cool to know that

791
00:46:44,301 --> 00:46:47,805
with the bias removed from her
that I'm her daughter,

792
00:46:47,888 --> 00:46:51,809
my mom was around me
and was still like, "I like this girl."

793
00:46:52,726 --> 00:46:55,521
Because that's not always
how it is with family.

794
00:46:56,438 --> 00:47:02,277
A lot of us are like, "Ugh, I love her,
but I don't like her."

795
00:47:03,946 --> 00:47:07,950
And my mom's like,
"I don't know her, but I like her."

796
00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:15,707
Sometimes my mom thinks I'm my brother.

797
00:47:15,791 --> 00:47:18,252
That's when I'm like,
"Ooh, shouldn't have cut my hair."

798
00:47:18,335 --> 00:47:20,337
[audience laughs]

799
00:47:22,548 --> 00:47:25,634
[audience applauds and whistles]

800
00:47:27,302 --> 00:47:30,055
Ah, the Pierre is Pierre-ing.

801
00:47:33,392 --> 00:47:36,186
So last fall, Chad and I went to Europe.

802
00:47:36,270 --> 00:47:38,897
Before we left,
I had five different friends of mine

803
00:47:38,981 --> 00:47:42,192
calling me going,
"Oh my God, he's totally gonna propose."

804
00:47:42,276 --> 00:47:45,696
You guys are going to Europe together.
There's no way he's not gonna propose.

805
00:47:45,779 --> 00:47:48,031
So, of course,
it planted that seed in my head.

806
00:47:48,115 --> 00:47:50,659
And then we're over there,
and anytime he stops to bend down

807
00:47:50,742 --> 00:47:54,162
and tie his shoe, I'm like…
[humming excitedly]

808
00:47:56,540 --> 00:47:57,875
Like an idiot.

809
00:47:59,334 --> 00:48:01,128
And the trip is going on and on.

810
00:48:01,211 --> 00:48:03,463
And we get to our last city.
We're in Paris.

811
00:48:03,547 --> 00:48:05,883
And one of my friends texts me
and is like,

812
00:48:05,966 --> 00:48:09,970
"If he doesn't propose to you today,
I am jumping into the Hudson River."

813
00:48:12,347 --> 00:48:14,516
I was so annoyed at this point,
I wrote back,

814
00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:16,351
"Well, pack a towel, motherfucker."

815
00:48:16,435 --> 00:48:18,937
[audience laughs]

816
00:48:22,107 --> 00:48:24,318
Quit ruining my vacation.

817
00:48:25,193 --> 00:48:27,404
I should've known
it wasn't gonna happen over there.

818
00:48:27,487 --> 00:48:30,407
'Cause Chad asked me a while ago,
"Hey, whenever I propose,

819
00:48:30,490 --> 00:48:32,576
is there something
you would love if I did?"

820
00:48:32,659 --> 00:48:34,620
I was like, "I think it'd be kind of nice

821
00:48:34,703 --> 00:48:36,705
if you could, you know,
have one of our friends

822
00:48:36,788 --> 00:48:40,334
take a picture, you know,
like have them hiding in a bush."

823
00:48:40,417 --> 00:48:43,295
You know what's not in Paris
hiding in a fucking bush?

824
00:48:44,087 --> 00:48:45,255
One of our friends.

825
00:48:45,339 --> 00:48:49,009
What, is he gonna propose in an elevator
and get the security camera footage?

826
00:48:50,302 --> 00:48:51,637
Like, it's not happening.

827
00:48:51,720 --> 00:48:54,056
We come home,
and I get coffee with my friends,

828
00:48:54,139 --> 00:48:56,475
and they're all like, "Did he do it?"

829
00:48:56,558 --> 00:48:57,643
"Did he propose?"

830
00:48:57,726 --> 00:48:59,561
And I'm like, "Bitch, you'll know."

831
00:49:00,437 --> 00:49:02,689
The tradition isn't
that I wear a nipple ring.

832
00:49:02,773 --> 00:49:05,442
[audience laughs]

833
00:49:08,153 --> 00:49:11,031
So fucking take a glance,
and ask or don't ask.

834
00:49:11,531 --> 00:49:12,366
I got home,

835
00:49:12,449 --> 00:49:15,160
and I don't know if Chad could tell
I was in kind of a weird mood,

836
00:49:15,243 --> 00:49:18,455
'cause he goes, "Hey.
I don't know if this is a touchy subject,

837
00:49:18,538 --> 00:49:20,999
but did any of your friends ask
if I proposed?"

838
00:49:21,083 --> 00:49:22,709
And I was like, "Yeah."

839
00:49:22,793 --> 00:49:25,545
"Did any of your friends ask
if you proposed?"

840
00:49:25,629 --> 00:49:27,798
He was like, "Yeah."
And I was like, "Wow."

841
00:49:27,881 --> 00:49:30,258
I bet those conversations went
so differently.

842
00:49:30,342 --> 00:49:33,011
[audience laughs]

843
00:49:39,893 --> 00:49:42,145
And I was mad at my friends for a while

844
00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:45,399
because I really felt like they set me up
for disappointment.

845
00:49:45,482 --> 00:49:47,734
And then I was like, "Oh." [chuckles]

846
00:49:47,818 --> 00:49:50,404
"I bet this is how Chad feels
when I say congrats

847
00:49:50,487 --> 00:49:52,280
before the end of a Vikings game."

848
00:49:52,364 --> 00:49:55,117
[audience laughs and applauds]

849
00:49:55,200 --> 00:49:57,786
[audience cheers]

850
00:49:57,869 --> 00:50:01,081
All right, Twin Cities.
Thank you guys so much.

851
00:50:01,164 --> 00:50:04,751
{\an8}You guys… [chuckles] Thank you.

852
00:50:06,128 --> 00:50:09,047
{\an8}You guys are… Oh my God.

853
00:50:09,131 --> 00:50:10,549
You are so sweet.

854
00:50:10,632 --> 00:50:13,719
Thank you so much
for coming out tonight, you guys.

855
00:50:13,802 --> 00:50:15,804
[audience cheers loudly]

856
00:50:15,887 --> 00:50:18,432
[quirky music plays]

857
00:50:35,866 --> 00:50:38,910
Hi, you guys. Okay, so before I go,

858
00:50:38,994 --> 00:50:42,414
we have some stuff for sale
that we've been selling all tour.

859
00:50:42,497 --> 00:50:45,000
And I just wanted to show you
one thing in particular.

860
00:50:45,083 --> 00:50:48,628
We had signs made that say,
"Not mad, just disappointed."

861
00:50:48,712 --> 00:50:50,714
[audience laughs]

862
00:50:54,676 --> 00:50:56,678
[audience member cheers]

863
00:50:57,512 --> 00:50:58,930
And when we had these made,

864
00:50:59,014 --> 00:51:02,059
I assumed you guys would want
to hold them up in traffic,

865
00:51:02,142 --> 00:51:04,561
but I have been laughing so hard
at you guys

866
00:51:04,644 --> 00:51:08,148
coming through the merch line
and telling me all of the other ways

867
00:51:08,231 --> 00:51:10,817
that you're planning on using these.

868
00:51:12,235 --> 00:51:14,279
I've had a lot of teachers buying these.

869
00:51:14,362 --> 00:51:16,990
[audience cheers]

870
00:51:20,786 --> 00:51:23,580
I've had a lot of parents buying these.

871
00:51:24,331 --> 00:51:27,125
I had some parents buy this
and then leave a comment on my Instagram

872
00:51:27,209 --> 00:51:29,044
that said, "We bought your sign,

873
00:51:29,127 --> 00:51:32,422
and now our five-year-old holds it up
to us anytime we swear."

874
00:51:32,506 --> 00:51:34,508
[audience laughs]

875
00:51:37,344 --> 00:51:38,804
Like, well, that's amazing.

876
00:51:38,887 --> 00:51:41,306
Um, I've had cops buy these

877
00:51:41,389 --> 00:51:44,476
and say they're gonna hang it
in the back of their squad car.

878
00:51:46,478 --> 00:51:50,232
So anytime they arrest somebody,
this is the first thing they see.

879
00:51:52,484 --> 00:51:54,444
And my favorite one I've ever gotten,

880
00:51:54,528 --> 00:51:57,364
I had a Southwest flight attendant
come up to me and go,

881
00:51:57,447 --> 00:52:00,534
"I'm gonna hold this up
anytime somebody poops on my plane."

882
00:52:00,617 --> 00:52:03,036
[audience laughs and cheers]

883
00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:06,706
All right, you guys, get home safe.
Thank you so much. You were amazing.

884
00:52:06,790 --> 00:52:08,375
Bye, you guys. Thank you.

885
00:52:08,458 --> 00:52:10,418
[audience cheering and clapping]

886
00:52:17,384 --> 00:52:20,345
[music ends]